chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
