Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
