The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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