in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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