The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
