haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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