if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I have surprise drugs for everyone
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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