You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
