I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
