I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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