No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
