so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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