I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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