I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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