Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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