dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
