Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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