I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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