I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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