I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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