2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize