Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
