I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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