My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
This is my gift to your gina
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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