you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
