i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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