Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
