Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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