so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
