just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
