God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
