around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
it was like eating out sand paper
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
