end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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