sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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