Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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