there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
