i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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