theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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