and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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