i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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