Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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