i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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