Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I am available for nakedness
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
