mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
