i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
