if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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