dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
