I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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