I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
