Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
