oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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