its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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