I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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