i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
