I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It's never too late to be topless.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I need to calm my uterus...
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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