Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
