but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize