you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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