I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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