we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
