She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
