Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
